Tequila makes her clothes fall off and other urban drinking myths, debunked
OK, we’ve all heard them. Those words of wisdom, uttered before, during and after an epic night of drinking. But really, how much of it is actually true and how much complete horseshit? Let’s find out.
As you read this, you’ll probably think that I don’t drink. Or that I have never had one too many. This article was written from a place of long experience (not the drinking at work one, but all the rest). In the name of science, I’ve investigated all these for you. You’re welcome.
Whiskey makes you mean. I think it’s more if you start out as a mean person, or have those tendencies you’ve buried under a veneer of fake niceness. Alcohol just amplifies your personality, not completely changes you into Mr. Hyde. Good try, but if you’re a jerk, I don’t think any particular alcohol makes it worse. Science isn’t backing this one up, so I’m filing it under horseshit.
You can’t smell vodka on your breath. An even better try than saying a particular alcohol makes you mean, this one’s for those of you that wanna try out that three martini lunch that you’ve heard about on Mad Men. The government rules of vodka require it to be tasteless, colorless and odorless (sounds yummy, right?), so while you’re drinking it, people may not smell it. But as your body metabolizes vodka, your breath will smell bad. So you might be able to get away with is as you’re drinking it, someone might notice your breath later, or more likely, the way you’re slurring at 2pm.
Rum makes you mellow. If that’s true, what’ s up with PIRATES?!?
Tequila makes you get naked. There are even songs about it (see the title of this post). You likely know people that swear it’s true…while they fake embarrassment. Much like the mean whiskey thing, I’d contend that your naked tendencies are there, and your prude laces could be loosened by any alcohol, not just tequila. But maybe you haven’t developed a taste for even shots of whiskey, and only Russians shoot vodka. When someone pulls out that bottle of Patron, all bets are off, and so are your pants.
The hair of the dog is the best idea ever, so great we call it “brunch”. How many mimosas have you knocked back once you were marginally upright again, and felt better…and then several hours later (if you were still awake), felt even worse than you did before? That’s because more alcohol didn’t cure your hangover, it just shoved it slightly further into the future. Pay now or pay later, but pay you will. Which brings us handily to our next point…
Hangovers are somehow avoidable. Food before, food after, pacing yourself, exercise after (or during, depending on how far you have to walk to get to those tacos you so suddenly can’t live without) – none of it has any real basis in fact as hangover prevention. A glass of water is helpful, between glasses of alcohol, but I don’t think I’ve met anyone that could manage that all night long, if serious drinking was happening. The only true way to avoid them is…you guessed it, don’t drink. But since that’s no fun, let’s check in on the last one….
Hangovers have quick cures. Greasy food, stuffing your gob full of aspirin, coconut water. All things that people swear by (plus probably ten that I missed), saying they cure hangovers. The next morning, your body is dehydrated and missing its little friends, electrolytes. You can replace both of those (yes, coconut water is good for that), but the only real cure for a hangover is time. Time for your body to expel all the toxins you chugged, slammed or shot last night. Grab some water, and your Netflix device of choice and cut your body some slack!
Jeanne Runkle lives here, and sometimes there. Her favorite spirit is whiskey, be it bourbon, rye, or American. You can even take out the e, and give her Scotch. Check out her other whiskey musings at PancakesandWhiskey.com. Cheers!